How Not to be the Freshman Everyone Hates

4 Feb

As a college junior, I am old and wise. Thus, I thought it only appropriate to bestow my knowledge on the world. Via a blog. Read by an average of 22 people per day (you guys are great). But still. Maybe some future college freshman will stumble upon this through Google and be saved from the experience of being the subject of, “Do you know Susie?” “Yeah, what do you think of her?” “Well … she’s a … character” “Oh good, I hate her too.”

So here, in a few simple steps, is how to not be openly detested.

1. Realize you are not very smart

You were in high school three months ago. Trust me, you’re going to look back on your 18-year-old self soon and realize you disagree with about 75% of the things you once believed adamantly. Also, your knowledge of, say, the Constitution is probably limited to two weeks in your US History class from junior year. So pro tip? Don’t argue with a senior pre-law history major over it? Really, don’t argue with upperclassmen over anything academic, because I promise you they can quote more French names than you can, and everything sounds more intelligent when you throw “As Kierkegaard said” in front of it.

2. Put on some clothes

I’m talking to you, freshman girls. Prowling for parties in short skirts and high heels when it’s below freezing outside is just going to get you frostbitten and made fun of. Okay, it’ll probably also get you hit on by a lot of drunk guys. But really, is that worth it? And if you decide it is:

a) Don’t put those pictures on facebook, you’ll regret it later

b) Know the difference between your Friday night party attire and your formal event attire

3. Learn your limits

Everyone has either been or taken care of the freshman who drank way too much and ended up passed out in a bathroom. The first time, it’s a good story. The fifteenth time? You just look stupid. Figure out what your limits are, and don’t make people carry you home. That doesn’t make a good night for anyone.

4. Leave peer pressure behind

You’re in college. This means it is not at all impressive that you have access to or drink alcohol. Maybe in high school you were super cool because you had an older friend/absentee parents and could get booze to share with your friends as you surreptitiously watched to make sure an authority figure didn’t walk into the basement/living room/row of bushes on the side of the road where you were hanging out. But now, drinking isn’t impressive. And if you’re the guy/girl insisting that everyone in the room needs to be drunk, you just look desperate for validation.

5. Stop trying so hard

Remember back in middle school, there was always that one seventh grader who insisted on sitting in the back of the bus, even though that was clearly eighth-grader territory? Yelling “No sevvies past seat 16!” was probably a little immature (guilty as charged) but the sentiment stands. If you try to impress upperclassmen or cooler freshmen, everyone will see right through it. But if you embrace your dorkiness, your unsure-of-how-things-work-ness, and the simple fact that you’re probably an awesome person who will be super cool once they get through their first semester, you’ll get through the year with little malice directed your way, and probably quite a few friends who think you’re great.

Any resemblance to real people currently attending my institution of higher learning is totally on purpose. Names are withheld to protect the guilty. I request they are withheld in any comments as well.

Anyone? What else makes you hate a freshman?

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