apparently the other side sucks too

10 Mar

Usually, in my relationship history, I have been the rejected one. Yeah, a few times this has been in a clear-cut “I’m sorry, I’m just not interested” kind of way, but usually it’s more of a ignoring-my-texts, being-“busy” kind of way. I’ve developed a skill nobody wants: I’m really good at being rejected.

Earlier this semester, I got to know this boy. He seemed nice, funny, smart – all around good guy. So I thought I might kind of like him. I hung out with him a couple of times. One of those times, we talked and cuddled until five in the morning. I was pretty stoked, because I liked him. We hung out again the next day, and when he left that night I started to realize I just wasn’t feeling it.

That weekend, he texted me a few times, asking me to hang out. Go for a walk, get lunch – all the things I’ve wanted someone to want to do. But I didn’t want to. I couldn’t put my finger on why. He had done everything right.

But I knew that I couldn’t lead this guy on once I had figured out where I stood. So I turned him down.

There was no explanation for it. I’m sure from his end, it made no sense. I had seemed interested – I was interested, and then all of a sudden I wasn’t. I didn’t have that giddy “I’m so excited to see this person” feeling that I usually get with boys I like. It was more like I felt obligated to, and he didn’t deserve that.

So it was over, before it even started, really.

Getting rejected absolutely sucks. It always makes me wonder what I did wrong, what it was about me that person just didn’t like, what I could change to be more like-able. It takes such a huge amount of guts to tell someone you like them, and then they just crush that. And I think in the back of my head I’ve always thought that the guys doing the rejecting get some sort of joy out of turning me down, like it makes them happy to tell a girl they’re not into her. Like they enjoy knowing I’m thinking about them when they’re not thinking about me.

But contrary to what I apparently believe, every guys I’ve ever been turned down by is actually a decent human being. And if they’re anything like me, they felt terrible afterwards. They may have wished it was different, just like I wish I could have had feelings for this guy, but I just didn’t. If they’re anything like me, they wanted to say, “You’re a great person, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, you’re going to make someone ridiculously happy, but for some reason that’s just not going to be me.” But they knew they couldn’t say that, because they knew it wouldn’t make any sense to the person on the receiving end.

Getting turned down is horrible. It can kill your self-esteem. There have been boys I’ve cried over years after the fact (yes, that’s pathetic, and I hope I’m never that girl to anyone) because I liked them so much. But turning someone down is almost as bad, because you know for a fact that you’re contributing to someone else feeling at least a tiny fraction of the crappiness you’ve felt so many times. Heck, the last guy I turned down was four years ago and I still feel kind of bad about that.

If, by any chance, that boy ends up reading this post (I never mentioned my blog, but the link is on my facebook), I’m sorry. You didn’t do anything wrong.

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