Everything You Never Needed to Know about Warwick, Rhode Island

27 Mar

Warwick is one of those places that is the armpit of the civilized world.

Literally the most exciting place in town was this:


But we’ll get back to that.

So in Warwick, within walking distance of our hotel, there was an iHop. A Staples. A tire shop. A Dunkin Donuts. A pizza place. Okay, there were quite a few more things than that, but they were all really boring. A real estate agent. That sort of thing.

Basically, it was like Aurora but more boring and farther from Seattle. (Er, Providence)

If looking for activities in Warwick, Rhode Island, stop. There is, apparently, the Warwick mall, but I was too lazy. And the bus to Providence took to long for us to get back in time for rehearsal. The best way to spend time in Warwick is to sleep in until/past noon, barely leave your hotel except to eat, and then stay up ridiculously late in a hotel room with your bandmates. Because everybody hammers.

The most amusing thing about Warwick will be the accents of the residents. Hopper = Hah-pa. Beautiful = bee-yoooo-tee-ful. For real. If I heard this accent on television I would think it was a joke. It’s not.

Also, everyone in Warwick really enjoys yelling at pedestrians. We’re pretty sure a typical Friday conversation in the local high school goes something like this:

          Hey, what are you up to tonight?

          Not much, you?

          No plans. Want to drive up and down the street yelling at pedestrians?

          So same thing as every weekend? Sounds good.

Not that I blame them. If I lived in Warwick, I have no idea what else I would do.

The moral of this story is, if you are ever visiting Rhode Island, spring for the hotel that’s actually in Providence. Because if I learned one thing from this weekend, it is that you could not pay me to move to Warwick.


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