This is all so overwhelming

11 Apr

I feel like I’m being piled under a giant mountain of expectations, and I’m not so sure I can keep on holding it above my head. I don’t care enough about my classes to want to put in the work that I need to. I care too much about my jobs, and I feel so guilty when I can’t put in the amount of effort that I want to because I have these worthless classes to deal with. I feel like every time I remember something else I need to do, I’m getting that much closer to breaking down.I’m taking it one day at a time, trying to push through all these requirements and desires and expectations. But I’m terrified that at some point I’m going to stop being able to do it. My health has already fallen by the wayside, because the first thing to get cut off my to-do list is always eating well and going to the gym (my stack of to-read-on-the-elliptical magazines is growing exponentially), so that’s not helping anything. I gave up reading for class the first week of school. I’m barely getting my homework done on time and today I nearly flipped my lid at the newspaper and it was completely irrational.

I keep writing things down and I can’t possibly figure out when I’m going to do them. I’m forced to reschedule and cancel on people I don’t want to cancel on, because they’re important to me. And after the events of this last week, I’m even less inclined to turn down an opportunity to spend time with people I care about, which means that I’m having a lot of great conversations but not necessarily doing all the things that need to be done.

I’m not sure how my final projects are possibly going to get finished. I’ve been putting off getting my lease for next year signed because I’m overwhelmed by the (admittedly minimal) effort it’s going to take to get everyone to pay me and sign the paper. The idea of cleaning the bathroom this week nearly sends me into a panic attack when I try to figure out when I’ll have the time. My mom reminded me to send my grandparents thank-you cards and I started bawling on the phone. I’ve been spending about a third of the number of hours at my hourly job that I’m supposed to, which hurts my bank account – the only thing helping is the knowledge that I paid May’s rent back in October 2010. 

I know I’m going to get through this. Summer will be here in a month and all of these classes will be done. There are only two more issues of the paper to put together, once we get this impossible puzzle of an issue figured out. I know I’m lucky – after all, the reason I’m busy is because I’ve got a fantastic work-study job, the editor-in-chief position for the fall, the opportunity to go to college, friends who distract me with their wonderfulness, and a house that I love that occasionally (always) needs cleaning.

I know that there are plenty of people in the world who would do anything to have my problems. But sometimes all I want to do is curl up in a ball with a pint of ice cream and cry.

Except for I don’t have time for that, and I would just feel more guilty for not going to the gym.

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