Keep Trying to Say Goodbye

14 Jul

I was walking up the stairs to the fourth floor of College Hall just now because I left my laptop up here earlier.

When I reached the third floor and was about to continue up the stairs, I noticed that the doors to the student chapel were open. The lights were off, it was silent, I don’t think there was a single other person in the building. For some reason I decided to walk in.

I hadn’t been inside since that day, when I sat and bawled for 45 minutes in a church overflowing at 12:15 on a Tuesday. I held hands with the people next to me and cried on the shoulders of everyone I could turn to. 

That church was the last place where we all were together for Topher, on April 3rd. I know I talk about this all the time, but I can’t get him out of my head. It doesn’t make sense because I didn’t really know him, but I don’t think there’s any chance of me really getting over the death of an 18-year-old who was doing what he loved.

For some reason, I felt like talking to him. Apologizing for judging him before I knew him. It wasn’t until after he was gone that I realized he was a pretty cool kid. I told him about the end of the school year and about how he changed me. 

It’s not that I believe he’s there, or that he can hear anything I say, or that there’s anything special about a church. That’s just not me. I just had to say it, to stand in the room where we all cried together and talk to the silence and the darkness. 

It wasn’t comforting, or closure, or reassuring. I stood there and I whispered to nothing at all and I cried. But it felt right to say it out loud, just to myself, just to acknowledge that it wasn’t fair, it wasn’t okay, and it sucks. There’s no weight lifted from my soul. It’s never going to stop being really, really awful. 

So I turned around and walked up the stairs, still crying just a little bit. I guess that’s not going to stop either.


One Response to “Keep Trying to Say Goodbye”

  1. ianmulligan08 August 3, 2013 at 5:20 am #

    There is something comforting about talking aloud in what would otherwise be silence. Then to do so in a room where you had emotion and remember the life of an individual who was part of your life. The spirit of Topher will always be with you and his memory will never fade from the minds and hearts of the people who cared about him.

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