The lies he told

27 Dec

Last night I was talking to some friends who told me I absolutely HAD to start blogging again, and as there is little I enjoy more than talking about myself, I decided that I really should. And I had a small bit of emotional turmoil today, so here goes.

I blocked that guy, the one who broke my heart on 4-5 different occasions, out of my life completely this summer. He couldn’t stop bugging me even though he has a girlfriend, so I deleted him on social media and didn’t let myself call him even though I wanted to so badly. And I figured eventually I would get over it and be okay. But four months on it wasn’t going anywhere. Until today.

I ran into a mutual friend of ours. And found out he had been texting her the same sorts of things (both emotional and sexual) as me for years. I texted him for the first time in months and he thought that I was yet another girl. 

Bam. I finally got it. None of what he had told me was true. None of his pretty lies about wanting to be with me forever, about wanting to “chase me” after he graduates, about never feeling this way about anyone else. I made the classic mistake: I thought I was special. He spent years telling me I was special, because he gets some kind of sick joy out of emotional manipulation?

Maybe what hurts the most is that I don’t know if any of it was real. All of my memories are shattered, and I’m afraid I won’t be able to feel that way about someone else without fearing it’s all a trick.

Even recently, I’ve harbored fantasies about him coming to visit me, making some of that effort that was all I wanted for so long, of us actually having a chance to give it a real shot. I think part of the reason I couldn’t have a successful relationship was because I was waiting for him to come back.

One of my friends told me recently, “He’s not real. You made him up.” I responded then that I fully believed his feelings were real, he was just too immature to deal with them properly. But now I know she was mostly right: He wasn’t real. He made himself up. 

Earlier this year, we were having one of our heart-to-hearts, and I told him, “The one thing we have going for us is that we’ve never lied to each other.

Funny how that ended up being the biggest lie of all.

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