Where’d the angst go?

23 Dec

When I created this blog three years ago (it feels like it’s been both a lifetime and no time at all) I subtitled it “Angst, Snark and General Hilarity.” The “general hilarity” bit was more wishful thinking – I’d like to be a laugh-out-loud funny kind of writer, but I’m only rarely even a chuckle-silently kind of writer.

The angst and snark though, that pretty much described 80% of my emotions at that point in my life. I was always worried about something, or mad about something. The horrible poetry I wrote in that time period proves it – I had a lot of feelings and most of them were bad.

Now, that subtitle doesn’t describe my writing at all.

I mean sure, I still worry about the future, but it’s not angst, at least not usually. It’s more curiosity combined with trepidation and excitement. I occasionally am snarky, but it’s not in the mean-spirited way that it used to be, when I was trying to convince myself that I was superior to people that actually intimidated me.

I’m a lot calmer now, which is weird because I have way less of a clue what’s going on than I did at that point.

I suppose I’ve come to accept that the future is going to keep doing weird things and a lot of that I’m not going to be able to foresee. I’ve also met a lot of really incredible people who don’t intimidate me, and found that there’s a lot less reason to be snarky when you’re comfortable with yourself. Although I’m still pretty snarky about stupid people/things/choices, so I haven’t exactly reached the pinnacle of human goodness.

I suppose this makes my writing a lot less interesting. Sorry.

But if you had told me two or three years ago that at the end of 2014 I would be still single, still unsure of what I wanted to do with my life (although gainfully employed in a career-type job, so that’s good), often lonely, not have seen (and in too many cases, even talked to) a lot of my closest friends in six months or a year, that would sound terrible. And yet, I don’t remember the last time I cried myself to sleep – probably back in March or April. That used to be more like a monthly occurrence.

Everything is terrifying, and I feel fine.


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