Minnesota

12 Feb

snow

Sometimes I wonder if this place I want to return to is a place that doesn’t exist.

Maybe it never did.

Maybe what I want back is a piece of my youth that’s less than a year old but still can’t ever be returned to.

Maybe what I miss is staying up too late, snuggled under blankets with my roommate, laughing and crying and talking about everything under the sun. Maybe I miss the fact that she was, that year, my person, the one who knew everything and understood everything.

She’s getting married now

And never calls.

But then maybe what I miss is walking around our neighborhood, full of coffee shops and shopping and people always out and about. Maybe it’s the barista who became a friend and the countless times I walked around Calhoun alone in two feet of snow and part of a crowd in the sunshine.

Maybe what I miss is the future that never happened with the boy I met the same week I packed all my belongings in the trunk of my car and drove away.

But then maybe it’s dancing – those few hours every week when I could leave my snowy boots outside the door with my fears about the future, and just let myself follow. Maybe dancing gave me a sort of refuge that I just don’t have here.

Or maybe it’s just the rose-colored glasses, telling me that everything was wonderful then, when I know, I know, that there were plenty of days when I felt so alone, and had no idea what I was doing there – or with my life, for that matter. Maybe it’s just the simple fact that it came after North Dakota, and anywhere would’ve been an improvement. Things always do seem better in hindsight.

Maybe what I miss is the possibility of a new place, meeting new people, going new places. Maybe what I miss isn’t Minneapolis, but just other. Maybe if I returned, I would be disappointed because I would know what to expect.

Or maybe it’s trivia at Republic and brunch at Blackbird and cold press at Dunn Bros and those places where I came to know exactly what to expect.

I suppose it’s impossible to know if returning would bring happiness or regret.

I’ve always known that the only way to see what the future holds is to live it.

I didn’t know, though, that it’s also impossible to see what the past really was.

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4 Responses to “Minnesota”

  1. autumnkovachak February 13, 2015 at 7:05 am #

    I totally understand. It is hard to look at the past objectively. One thing that I realized going back to MN last month after being gone for just a couple months is that my life, how I knew it there, doesn’t exist anymore. My old room has been filled, I sold my car, my job is not available and friends have moved on – geographically or socially. That was sad for me but it also helped me to fully embrace my new life stage. It could be great if you went back to those MN lakes, coffee shops, some familiar faces and lifestyle expectations you’ve discovered that make it Minnesota (I miss that too!). But in some ways it would be starting all over again. I experienced starting over in MN when I moved away for my freshmen year and then moved back after. It felt like I moved to a brand new place in the state where I grew up! If you stayed, it would be great. If you moved back, it would also be great. Life and people change with or without you so moving back to a familiar place would be a new experience. Those wonderful memories aren’t better or worse than your current situation, but they can bring hope that life can be just as wonderful wherever you are. 🙂

    • Stacking Twenties February 13, 2015 at 8:44 am #

      You’re totally right, thanks for the perspective! Coming back to Spokane definitely feels like the same place in some ways and completely new in others.

      I do miss dancing though, and when I decide it’s time to be somewhere more permanently, there will have to be a dance community!

      • autumnkovachak February 14, 2015 at 6:14 am #

        Anytime! It’s hard to look back at a good time without feeling a bittersweet longing. Yes, dancing = a must! I hope you find it soon!

        • Stacking Twenties February 14, 2015 at 8:00 am #

          Sadly, spokane is very small and it is nowhere to be found. Putting it on thr checklist for my next home.

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